Chapter 13: Starting Again
The final quarter of the year (October/November/December) is always my favorite time of year. I mean, I’ve never been a Halloween type of guy (I’m Haitian, so my parents don’t approve of such devilish things....you wouldn’t get it unless you’re Haitian), so I’d usually spend my October prepping for all I have coming up later: Thanksgiving, Birthdays, Christmas, and New Years. However, it never fails that every year, I get very stressed out around this time because I sit & think to myself more often than any other time in the year “the year is practically over”. I touched on feeling like I’m rushing through life in previous chapters, so I don’t think I have to do so in this chapter. You get it. But that’s how I feel. Every time this quarter of the year is among us, I’m like “Crap, I need to get this done/be a certain type of way before 20__” & that mentality always leaves me very incomplete and unaccomplished by December 31st. I completely disregard all the things I’ve overcome, learned, & experienced all because of this quarter of the year. It’s a love/hate thing, this time of year. But one specific thing that I never got was the idea of “changing” when the new year is among us. Like, when December 31 rolls around, HELLA PEOPLE are going to come out of the woodworks to let EVERYONE know that they are “leaving ________ in 2018”. Why do we wait that long to change things? Is it because “new year resolutions” are so engraved in our culture that we prolong the change we need to make until the LAST MINUTE of whatever year we’re in at the time so we can use that tired phrase? I don’t know about you, but I usually like to try to make my changes on the spot. It’s hard, but waiting until the last day of the year seems useless to me.
For a while now, I’ve been looking back at who I was in the past. I’ve been, not only reflecting on my old mistakes, insecurities, and personality, but letting my past faults affect my current headspace & future decisions. Now, some may believe that this is healthy because there’s no way to pursue change without honoring/noticing the past. To some extent, I agree with you. However, I’ve been excessively doing it, which isn’t healthy at all. I would sometimes devote days just to beat myself up because I despise the person I was in the past. The day I was like “something’s gotta change” was the day I had a mental breakdown in my car (mentioned in Chapter 12).
I remember screaming out something like “Everyone gets to leave this town and forget who they were and change who they are & I’m stuck here with the same problems. I’ve been trying to change, but no one will let me forget the old me. If everyone gets to change who they are whenever they want to, than why can’t I?” (This is just a censored version. I was MAD.) Here’s the thing. As annoyed as I was that the environment I was in and the people I surrounded myself with wouldn’t “let me change”, I never took into consideration that it was my fault. I would always rehash my old mistakes and beat myself over them, I would write poems/songs/stories based off of the pain I’ve endured for years, and I would find myself checking up on everyone’s social media just to be nosy. Like, Lucien...what the hell? How are you going to be like “I want to change” but then trap yourself in your old ways. I’ve done so well with not reopening old wounds publicly, but then I would be privately cutting into my skin with things that are in the past. I’m not letting myself change. At that moment, I gave all of my grief and stress to God & I was told to just focus on what makes me happy. I was told to do whatever I need to do in order to be happy. So, I blocked out all of the people and things that aren’t healthy for me to focus on, I deleted Twitter off of my phone for a little while (it’s been two weeks and the boredom is killing me. i need twitter memes, man.), I got rid of all the things I wrote about the past years, and I began to only focus on the person I want to become.
The point I want to make is that if you sense that something needs to change, don’t prolong that. Don’t wait. Tomorrow is not promised. You surviving to see December 31st is not promised, let alone the following year. Make changes. Do whatever you need to do to be happy or at least content with life. Cut the toxic out. If you ARE the toxic, discover what made you like that & fix yourself. If this means you have to get uncomfortable or lose those you once/still love(d) in the process, make the sacrifice. Do whatever you need to do to be at peace. Let yourself change. With all this said, my sincerest apologies to those I’ve been toxic to, hurt, or let down. I regret all the decisions I’ve made that affected your mental state in a negative way. I’m learning, growing, and changing everyday to be a better person. This, in no way, excuses my BS. However, just know that I am working on being better. Please, do whatever you need to do to be at peace.
Sincerely Yours Sometimes,
PS: SONG OF THE WEEK: Daniel Caesar - Blessed
(Every time I post, I will include a song that may or may not correlate with the topic I write about. This is me thanking you for reading my posts by gifting you with good music.)