Chapter 17: Cuffing Season
Issa short chapter today. This is more of a rant than anything else.
It’s getting much colder out here in these streets. You know what this means: cuffing season. Everyone my age, and I mean everyone, is getting in relationships, “talking” to people, or doing “relationship” things with people they’re not in (no judgement). Normally, I’d be alright or indifferent with it. I’m happy being by myself. I have too much going on inside to be a burden, romantically, to anybody else. But lately, I’ve been very frustrated in a way I haven’t been in a long while. Long story short, I caught feelings for someone for a good few weeks. *cues crowd dramatically gasping* It didn’t last, but that’s not the reason for this chapter. The fact that “shooting my shot” didn’t work out had me thinking what’s wrong with me. I kept believing that there were certain aspects of my personality that deferred the love of my life from finding me. Here’s what I did to fix it:
I spent a day not being myself.
I thought that I was “too much of a character”, y'know? I’m always up in people’s faces, hugging people, joking around, being goofy and flamboyant for no reason. I’ve heard that it’s a good thing, but sometimes I see that it’s not. I’ve been shown that too much of anything isn’t healthy, and that makes me feel as though people “take breaks” from being around me for that reason alone. I know what you want to say. “Oh Lucien, you shouldn’t change yourself for people. You should take pride in who you are and always be yourself.” Look, on paper, that’s great. In theory, it’s groundbreaking. In practice, it’s hard. Loving yourself is hard. It’s the best/most given piece of advice, but it’s so difficult to be content with who you are. I keep telling my friends to do it without knowing how and I feel like such a hypocrite. And the day that I spent not being who I was SUCKED. No one was around me at all, i was unhappy, I was listening to sad songs because I wasn’t sad enough (yo, it BE like that), it was BAD. I kept thinking that no one was really down for me. No one rides for me the way I ride for them. If I don’t make the first move, no one moves.
I wish I could tell you that a defining moment happened that changed my mood. The most honest thing I could tell you is that days passed & I snapped out of it. Sometimes with these kind of stories, or rants, there isn't a pivotal moment where I realize "the limit does not exist". Sometimes, time heals the wound. There's just something about time that seems so heroic to me. But that right there? That’s not how the story ends. It hasn’t ended yet. I’m still on this voyage of loving myself and it’s not a cruise at all. It’s not fun going through the motions, but I’m learning that it’s okay to be alone. It’s okay to work on loving yourself by yourself. There’s so much about me that I’m learning & it’s kind of nice. This chapter doesn’t really have structure or a resolution. I think it’s more of a rant, but that’s where I’m at today. Hope everyone’s Thanksgiving was great, though! Enjoy your leftovers, friends!
Sincerely Yours Sometimes,
PS: SONG OF THE WEEK: Rex Orange County - Happiness
(Every time I post, I will include a song that may or may not correlate with the topic I write about. This is me thanking you for reading my posts by gifting you with good music.)