Updated: Jan 2, 2020
Chapter 24: When Nothing is Wrong
Hope you've gotten properly acquainted with 2019, friend! If not, don't worry, friend. In my opinion, "January" is just a fancy way of calling the month that seemingly goes on forever "a free trial month". So, don't feel worried if your start of the year isn't what it was supposed to be. This month doesn't count (unless you're actually making moves, then FINE...show off). I want to begin this chapter with an (I guess rhetorical because you're reading my words) in depth question: what do you do when nothing is wrong? Okay, hear-......read me out.
It seems as if people only hear from me the most when there is a story to tell. To add insult to injury, the story always has to involve something going awry or something going terribly wrong. If not that, it's always some dope announcement that takes control of the whole conversation. But since the new year came, it seems like nothing is going on. Nothing is going good or going bad. It's like I'm stagnant or something. I don't know how to feel, necessarily. I'm always overcompensating for some part of me because I always feel like I'm not enough. No matter how hard I try, I am always lacking in an area. So, that's why I make my personality and my storytelling as extra as possible (well, I think that's part of the reason why. It COULD also be because that's how I'm made BUT that's not the point of this chapter, now IS IT?!?!). If some part of me is interesting, if some part of me is entertaining, if some part of me is exciting, than I'll be listened to. I'll be noticed. I'll be loved and cherished.
Lately, I haven't had any stories to tell, I haven't seen much reasons to be excited, and I've felt as if I'm lacking. I found myself in many forced conversations because I didn't want the other person to leave my company due to me not being up to par. I felt/feel so annoyed because it's not supposed to be like this at all! Like, I SWEAR I'm okay. Nothing is going wrong. It's just that nothing is going right either, y'know?
BUT (you already know there was gonna be a "but") there was an instance where this, kind of, turned around for the better. Last week (on the day I should've posted a chapter...I'm half sorry that I didn't), I was at a small Esopus retreat, right? Right. We were reflecting on 2018 while manifesting what we our 2019 wants into existence, right? Right. Okay. So the question "who do you need to focus on" (I paraphrased) came up and my immediate answer was "myself" because I spent all 2018 stressing over things I should've given to God. However, I began to think that I also need to focus on those who wholeheartedly love me no questions asked. Reason why is because those people have been, somewhat, neglected in the midst of me stressing over people who, frankly, don't matter to me. I kept that in mind when I got home and as I began catching up with a bunch of my closest friends, which included my buddy, Nicholi. So, him and I were catching up on things, right? Right. Now, I was about to leave the conversation, but I wanted to slide in a "i love you" before I left. I've known this kid for such a long time and he is one of the most important people I have in my life, so I felt like I had to remind him. He asked why I felt like I had to and I told him about how I've been feeling since January started (so basically, a paraphrased, condensed version of this whole chapter so far was sent to him), the Esopus reflection, and all that, right? Right. This boy responds back with, literally, the most necessary thing I've ever heard (in a while, at least):
"I think the most important thing someone can do is focus on themselves before worrying about other people. You, my friend, care about everyone else in the world. But, when it comes to that "self" category, you’re lacking. If you can’t make yourself a priority, then how will you ever be even able to think that you’re a priority to others? Not saying you need to be a priority to others, but just that feeling. You’re an amazing soul and every story is worth sharing. Some are gonna be more dramatic, heartbreaking or emotionally challenged than others, but it will always be a great deal to someone who needs it. It doesn’t matter, but self confidence is something lacking in the community as a whole. And although people uplift one another, that can be temporary. Once you’re finally at peace with yourself and let go of those battles, you’ll experience true happiness. Not saying it’ll be perfect, but it’ll be damn near eternal."
So, I start tearing up, right? Right. Do you see why I love this kid? AND he sends me playlists! I truly don't deserve him.
The quote that jumps out for this chapter & the reason why I brought this quote into the chapter is "every story is worth sharing". I worry so much about making things interesting or saying things that could be worthwhile when I really don't need to. I don't have to compensate for anything. Me just being chill should be enough. I am enough. So, don't worry if not every part of your year is going to be thrilling or exciting. Just go at it day by day.
Sincerely Yours Sometimes,
PS: SONG OF THE WEEK: Frank Ocean - Pink + White
(Every time I post, I will include a song that may or may not correlate with the topic I write about. This is me thanking you for reading my posts by gifting you with good music.)