Chapter 9: Humbling Yourself VS. Bullying Yourself
We need a lesson in differentiating "humbling" people from "bullying" people, because I think we all got it confused. Humbling someone, according to Google, means that we decisively defeat another "team or competitor", typically one that was previously thought to be superior, by lowering their dignity or importance. Whereas bullying someone means that we use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force them to do what we want. Good things can come from humbling someone, but normally nothing good comes from bullying (I say "normally" because people still keep the "haters are my motivators" philosophy in their brain...to each his own, I guess). I don't bring this up to address how you and I should treat other people, because you shouldn't need a blog tell you that bullying people is dumb (if you did, you're a dummy). I'm directing this at you to yourself. You are your biggest bully and I want to know why?
Why are we our toughest critics? Why is it that we constantly feel the need to knock ourselves down a peg? Whether it's a physically thing when we are calling ourselves "ugly", mentally when we call ourselves "stupid", or emotionally when we say that we are "impossible to love", we are so set and ready to throw tomatoes at or own selves. I am the BIGGEST culprit for this crime that I know. There is never a day where I'm not tearing myself down in all facets for, seemingly, no reason. I don't know when it started, but it's not something that I really think about anymore. I just treat myself horribly for, I guess, nothing.
Actually, no. I do it to "humble myself". I do it because no one can say anything bad about you if you acknowledge it yourself and call yourself out. It's like Eminem at the end of the movie "8 Mile". "You're not about to tell me about me as if I don't already know me" is the mentality. Even though it's a good thing to think about when it comes to not taking anyone's BS, it's also very unhealthy. I am the FIRST person to tell myself that I can't do something. I am the FIRST, and sometimes, the ONLY person to badly review myself. I always shoot myself out of the sky before I even attempt to spread my wings. I am my biggest bully. Here's an example:
I have been performing onstage since the 4th grade (3rd grade if you want to count when I played Black Jesus in a passion play, which obviously triggered my love for theatre). Every year since, I've performed in so many shows that I can't even remember anymore. However, the last time I have performed onstage as a character was in April of 2017 (Senior Year) when I performed as Gomez Addams in Roselle Catholic's production of "The Addams Family". I spent a year in college already and I am onto the second week of my second year. A year and five months. To me, that's unacceptable. However, the reason behind this is the fact that I literally bullied myself into a corner. I convinced myself that I simply was not good enough for college productions. My high school didn't put a HUGE budget behind the arts in comparison to other school due to their focus being on other things, so everything was out of the director's pocket. Me and my fellow friends in the drama club weren't used to choreographers, grandiose props and set designs, an actual band (just piano), etc. We just made do with what we were dealt with. It turned out beautiful every time, but I always knew I was going to end up at a disadvantage compared to actors and actresses I meet in college, who have SO MUCH experience with all that and more. I would walk by and inside the theatre building hoping one day I would work the nerve to ask to audition, but I'd always run out because I knew I wasn't worthy. They were better than me. They are all better than me. I spent a year off the stage because I thought everyone was better than me and didn't stand a chance.
The inspiration of the chapter came from my Auntie Myrna who sat me down and gave me, kind of, a stern talking to (well, it wasn't stern because she's so nice and it canceled out). I told her that I felt unworthy to be there and she looked at me and told me that I needed to stop mistreating myself. She continued by saying something along the lines of: "Would you be fine if I told you what you told yourself? If I sat here in front of you right now and told you that you weren't good enough, that you're better off taking a business management major, that you're too shy, that you'll never land those auditions, what would you feel like? You would look at me so crazy. You'd be so angry. You'd sprint to prove me wrong! Just like you wouldn't take that BS from anyone, you can't take that BS from you." That reigns true with anything and I'm really starting to feel that. It's so true. You're not about to tell me about me & I am not about to tell myself about myself...wait...does that make sense? WHATEVER, it's my blog!
The point that I want to make is that we need to understand that you can be like "I'm not perfect, there's so much I need to fix" without having to be like "oh, I suck"! Be humble enough to know that you are not perfect and you need to change in order to grow, but be confident enough to know that you are dope! I don't say this enough publicly (unless I'm with friends of course) because I don't want to come off braggadocious or arrogant, but I AM THE BADDEST THING ON THE BLOCK! I AM THE BADDEST THING WALKIN! I AM SO LIT! I AM SO TALENTED AND MY MIND IS SO...UGHHH, MY MIND!! *insert Italian chef kiss gesture here*
You need to do that too. We need to defeat the bully within us and just understand that we are human, therefore we are not perfect, and that is okay. We need to work on things to improve and grow, but we should not be hindering ourselves.
"We should all celebrate progress, not perfection."
- Miley Cyrus
I want you to find a reflection of yourself and repeat over and over "I AM THE BADDEST IN THESE STREETS!" and do that until you believe it. Blast some Beyoncé and strut around your room if you have to! ANYTHING! Just love yourself even with all your flaws for just one day and see how you like it. We can humble ourselves tomorrow!
To conclude the story from before, I conquered my fears of striking out and I am proud to say that I am now apart of the Theatre Conservatory at Kean University. On top of that, I tried out for two play productions a few days ago & received callbacks for both plays (called back for 3 roles on one play & for 1 role on the other). I find out my results today or Monday. Do not doubt your abilities, my friends.
Sincerely Yours Sometimes,
PS: SONG OF THE WEEK: Mac Miller - Come Back to Earth
(Every time I post, I will include a song that may or may not correlate with the topic I write about. This is me thanking you for reading my posts by gifting you with good music.)