Updated: Jan 2
Lucien is Feeling: Stagnant but Restless
Caption: It’s 1am as i’m writing this. The dog is at my bedside, the lamp is a little bit too far out of my reach, my phone is at 11%, and my breathing is a little heavy for dramatic effect. I should stop, but I’d rather not. It’s keeping me awake. I shouldn’t even be awake, in theory. Someone told me once that if you don’t sleep between 2am & 4am specifically, you’ll start to lose track of days. Not sure if that’s legit or not, but it doesn’t help that I didn’t anticipate it to be Monday so quickly. I can’t believe April came as quick as it did. Sometimes I feel like everything is going so quickly like I’m on the parkway with all my windows down while going 80 MPH. Granted, that may not seem fast to some of you. Some of my views on things aren’t applicable to everyone’s case, but that’s fine. But I think something that everyone can agree with is the fact that I always get the sense that I am running out of time.
There’s a fat chance that I wrote about this already on a chapter I’m too lazy to find and link, but I find myself on the brink of insanity every time I think about how fast my life is going. I’m 20 as of right now and (according to this project I did in 8th grade) in four years, I should be knee deep in my career choice, in a committed relationship (possibly considering marriage and kids), traveling the world, making money, and happy. Perhaps 8th grade Lucien was a little overzealous, but I hope I last that long at least. I hope that he is not going to be that disappointed about how he turned out. I hope he gets that he’s under a lot of pressure right now. Pressure that he’s mostly inflicting on his own to himself. But that’s mainly because, once again, 20 year old Lucien thinks he’s running out of time.
If I’m keeping it real, I don’t even think I'm even going to make it that long. You know? Don’t worry! That is in no way a cry for help. I’m fine. That was more-so a “global warming is real, God is coming back for round two soon” sort of comment. But I feel as if I need to get everything aligned quickly if I’m going to live up to the meaning of my name. But nothing seems to be lit anymore, you know? Everything has been pretty monotone with me. Nothing’s been that bad to complain about while being too uneventful and depressing to even bring up in casual “what are you up to” conversations. I just find myself to be struggling with a lot now and I’ve become okay with being a killjoy. Don’t get it twisted. I’m still the comic relief. But recently, I’ve been thinking to myself “where’s the happy ending for the comic relief?” I just think it’s bad that whenever I’m asked how I am, I respond with “I’m not dead yet” as if that’s a good thing. Things should be great. Better than great. I’m better today this year than today last year, but I still feel absolutely hollow. It’s strange. I guess I should just open up about my struggle, hence why I’ve ended this “hiatus”.
Spiritually, I have been struggling for a long while now. Like, I really have this longing to be best friends with God, but it’s hard. I feel as if I’m never doing enough to even deserve any of God’s attention. I keep making awful decisions & doing things that warrant bad karma or bad energy to come my way, if that makes sense. I know that I’m loved and that things will be better and God is omnipresent, and I don’t know why I feel like this. I don’t know. I think I just want a sign that I am doing well or that everything is going to be okay because I’ve just been very desensitized and done with everything lately and I just want to feel alive.
I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed with reading this, so I’ll sign off for now. I promise that everything is fine and there’s no need to check my whereabouts or if I’m safe. I am. I might just need to get back to transcribing my thoughts. I know there wasn’t much structure or organization with this and there was no happy ending, but I can’t really force a happy ending on something that doesn’t even have any happy parts to it. Nonetheless, I figured it was best to at least write how I’m feeling. It’s April, so maybe it’s about time I get back to blogging. It might help someone, I guess.
Signature: Lucien “the television/movie/song/meme/etc. generator” Edme