How is Lucien Feeling? - #3

Updated: Nov 26, 2019

Lucien is Feeling: Rejuvenated but Realistic

Caption: Okay. So, hi! This is long, so anyone who’s not in the mood, don’t worry about it. I’ll understand.

For those who were a fan of “Being Marist in ‘The Real World’”, sorry about the “uncalled for” discontinuation of that series. For those who even read my blogs when I was consistent, sorry for just stopping. I have reasons while not having reasons, because here’s the thing. Yes, I believe that everything that I feel is valid, but in the same vein, I’m very dramatic/irrational. I understand & I KNOW for a fact that there are many of you who read that last sentence and thought “have you met you? that’s an understatement, baby!” Well, shut your MOUTH!

The true reason I stopped was out of fear & loss of true passion for it. You saw how consistent I was. It was every Sunday at 12AM or PM if I was late OR anytime before Monday hits. But the making of was very stressful, which is my own fault of course. I put myself on a rigorous schedule that I didn’t necessarily follow, but always respected. I always appreciated the fact that I made time to write. Whether it was something cathartic or political or religious, it was something i was proud to share to those who consistently read. But, two things ended up happening: the world got worse while mine got better & my world got worse while the world’s got better. I’ll explain both, if you’re still down to read.

The World Got Worse While Mine Got Better

I have to say that the break I took from blogging was very productive. There’s a lot of projects of my own that I have in the works that (in due time) I will be announcing soon. On top of that, I’ve been pretty happy...I think. I don’t know. It’s not as bad as it was this time last year, so that’s pretty good. But as for the world, do I have to explain? Probably not. Unless you’re living under a rock (props to you), you’ve seen this planet go straight to- (Lucien, you’re on a Marist affiliated website. Watch your mouth.)...this planet isn’t the best right now. The thing is that I don’t want to become a broken record. I don’t want to post the same chapters with different words over and over. I don’t want to go to church and not listen to the message because I’m too busy preparing my own. And what would it all be for? Who am I doing this for? Who truly benefits from knowing what I believe in or how I feel about certain things and how well/badly I can tie the message back into how to be Marist in “the real world” (whatever that is).

My World Got Worse While The World’s Got Better

Okay, now to say that “the world got better” is a stretch. But I will say that whenever the going’s good, it seems that the going is great for everyone but me. Sometimes, I feel as if it’s something I deserve, you know? I’m not that great of a person, so why do I deserve to have a good day? I don’t know. Like I said before, things are better now than then, but it doesn’t change the fact that I hesitate when people ask if I’m okay. It’s weird. Last time I blogged was, perhaps, May. In that post, I literally spoke about how hard it was to admit to one of my closest friends that I wasn’t okay. No one ever wants to admit defeat or rant/cry about the same problems and issues that should have already been dealt with. If everyone’s having a good time, why would they let the “Debby Downer” get the mic? Why would anyone want to read about “How Lucien is Feeling” when, honestly, no one could care less.

But here’s the thing, right (because there’s ALWAYS a thing)!

A couple weeks back, I found the journal that I kept during my high school years (First entry was, maybe, June/July of 2014 & the last was before November of 2016). The thing about the journal was that it was ripped up into many pages, minus the unused pages and everything I wrote in the back that were unscathed. Just the entries were ripped up BUT were kept safe in a bag to the side. So, of course I read. And when I tell you that reading ONE of those journal entries made me want to apologize to everyone I came in contact with from Roselle Catholic, that’s an understatement.

But I mention that because I found myself writing about issues I’m facing now. I wrote about specific people I loved so much at the time who, in retrospect, were not good for my health. It hurt my heart to know that I let people hurt me the way that they did, but this post isn’t about any of that. The point is that God has heard me talk about the same things over and over from the minute I stepped on his planet and he does not get tired of it one bit. He loves to hear me talk even when I feel like no one else does. And you know what, he puts me through it then helps me through it all the time so it can train my heart for bigger battles. It’s very interesting how he works, but finding my journal made me realize how much stronger I’ve become in the span of only a couple years. Though the running theme of all my problems is always the same, I have different/better ways of handling everything now. And if anything, I hand it up to God.

I’m going to end this post with a quick story of what I did today that prompted me to write this post right now at 2AM. Today, I painted the bedroom I’ve lived in since, I want to say, my sophomore year of high school. It was once a pale yellow with dents, marks, and old memories all over the place. Now, it’s a vibrant orange. But as I was painting my final wall, I got symbolic & started to write all of the things I want to leave behind me on the wall. Then I painted over it. It probably won’t mean anything to anyone else, but it meant everything to me.

Thanks for reading. There’s more to come soon.

Song: Donny Hathaway - A Song For You

Signature: Lucien “Anything But Concise” Edme

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